The 3 F's

So those of you who actually read my blog all one of you probably think I am saying the horrible Fu------------- word but you are wrong this blog should be titled "Family, Friends or Foes."

You see there are many times I do feel sorry for myself and the past week has been one of those times. Not to mention I was on my period and the few days before that I was PMSing so that all adds to the stress in my life. But it is an amazing feeling how one can be with their very own family members and feel like they don't belong and that their children are more of a nuisance than welcomed. One reason this is so amazing to me is because my family is LDS (Mormons) and supposely we believe that families are forever that is why one is either born under the covenant or sealed to their parents in the temple. But what I have witnessed and been a part of thes last 30 years or so is that once your married and have your own kids you parents and siblings are no longer part of that forever family. And then heaven forbid that any of your nieces or nephews get married because then it is almost like you are cast out of the family as the black sheep.

And then in my situation I have comitted the unpardonable sin of getting a divorce not only once but twice(on paper we're still married) So I can't pick them very well and this of course would be my fault. And then there are comments made about me needing to grow up. Hmmm, has anyone ever thought that maybe the fact that for the better part of my life I had six older siblings and parents who always were there to bail me out and take care of me and now all of sudden I am suppose to do this on my own. Well personally I think I am doing a pretty good job at growing up and trying to raise the boys to be independent so that they don't have to learn this after they reach the age of 40 plus.

Sure some may say that I am just a winer and bitchy but you know what when you try to invite others you go to church with to do things with you and they are always too busy and then you hear about how so and so has invited others to a parade or other activities one starts to wonder if they are carrying the plague. I know that people don't hold much water to this but being away from the main population of the ward does really make a difference. I don't care how much I try to be a part of things it is just easier to forget about someone who doesn't live two houses away from you. This is foriegn to me because where I grew up you were lucky to have members 2 or 3 blocks away from you. Not having members right next door made us more concerned and aware of the other members and their families. My boys have noticed this too it doesn't matter how much Gideon offers to babysit or do yard work he isn't usually asked because we live too far away. Most of their friends are either non members or not in our ward because they don't attend school with anyone from our ward.

Then there are those who always have it worse then any one else I don't know why I even bother trying to talk to my family oand/or friends because my situation is never that bad. I have thousands of dollars in college loan and lots in credit card debt just to make my dream of becoming nurse possible and to be able to support the boys. We by no means suffer but things are pretty tight at times. Next month we are taking a quick trip to the Oregon coast and how are we able to do this? I don't parents who are paying for the trip it is a credit card. But I need to get away for a couple of days before school starts and football again. So say what you want but it is important for me.

Boy! Do I feel better getting this off my chest.

LIve well, Love much and Laugh Often!!!

Free

Well, I actually did it I broke up with DJ last evening and it pretty much went as I had expected it to go. I went over to his place and handed him the key he had given me and said "I don't think this is going to continue to work" and his response was "Ok" and I said "that's all" and he said "yeah". Just so like him to have no emotion or feeling especially when its not all about him, before going there I was feeling bad because today is his birthday but after his reaction I don't feel bad at all.

Life has a way of teaching us, and from this lesson I have learned that I need to take care of ME first and that if others don't want to appreciate that then I don't need them in my life. And so it is upward and onward for me and the boys.

Men! Need I say More?

So this last week the boys spent a week with their Father and their stepmom, little brother,stepsister & kind of stepsister. Our family is strange both my side and their Dad's side as you can see. But the boys had a really good time and haven't stopped talking about the things that they did. It is funny to me that they talk about how their Dad says one thing and then when you ask him about he will tell you that he never said it It's the same thing he has always done and now the kids are picking up on it. I am glad that they have a good time with their Dad and other family but I know your waiting for me to have a complaint well here it comes he asked the boys if they would think about coming to live with him while they are in high school. Now that he has spent such a short amount of time each of the last 3 summers a total of four weeks he is realizing what great kids they are. So it total pisses me off because for the past 13 years Felix has had little interest in them and now he is jumping on the band wagon. I guess he shooting to get "Father of the Year" Good Luck!

The there is DJ who I have been dating now for the past eleven months and I am done with all this dating crap. Last night I pick DJ up from work and need to drop Gideon off at home and then take some pj's to Jeremiah at his friends house. Well when I go into drop off the pjs the boys Grandfather is visting from Rexburg and he had brought his mother dog with her 9 puppies and so I got a little side tracked playing with the puppies for about 10 minutes. So when I got back out to the car DJ was visibly upset and so I asked him if he is mad and he then proceeds to tell me that he is suppose to help a friend this evening and didn't know that I was going to run all over town before taking him home. As usual he didn't communicate to me that he had something to do and then why should he because communicating isn't something DJ feels he needs to do to have relationship and rightly so because whenever he wants sex I give in. You know kind of like a slam bam thankyou mam type of thing. But he has the worst luck with cell phones and doesn't feel its important for others to be able to get ahold of him and making plans is unheard of in his idea of life. And to top all of this off he does not like my Pugsley (pug dog) or my two cats Fez and Kelso and I was okay with this in the beginning but if you love someone you need to love them for who they are. He knew at the very beginning of the relationship that I had the animals and he goes before they goes. Even my own children joke about how the dog is #1 in the house.

There must be a reason I am single and enjoying it.

Work and so Much More!!

Just sitting here waiting for a patient to come out of surgery and we are all kind of on the bored side because all of our stocking, etc., has been down. Let me just tell how great it is to be working in the medical field, I just love the patients and their family/friends. Probably if I had gone into nursing earlier in my life I wouldn't have appreciated it as much as I do now, being that I have matured over the past few years. I work in the recovery area for surgical services at St. Lukes in Meridian and today I was in Phase II where the patients have been out of surgery for approximately 1 to 2 hours. It fun because their a little more with it at this point and it is just fun talking with them and their family. But today when gentlemen told his male nurse that maybe if we could get him a nurse with bigger boobs he would get up out of his bed faster. :} Just never know who you are going to meet.

That's all for now.

Beginnings

Oh so many nights have I laid awake going over the things I would write if only I would actually start my own blog and how many people would be happy to read the things I write and how many people I would actually piss off. ( just that phrase there is going to upset someone) Life is an amazing journey with many lessons to be learned and re-learned for many of us. For me being the youngest of 7 children of 5 boys and 2 girls in itself was one continual lesson to be learned and continues to be so. Then add in friends and all those other acquaintances you meet along the way for good or bad makes the journey ohhh such much more interesting.

For me being a "Divorced" single mother of two WONDERFUL boys life brings many joys along with hardships and challenges. Just the fact that I am still alive and haven't eaten my young in amazing in and of itself. Losing my Father just shy of my 19th birthday was quite a bite a trauma for me that over the years has always been there and then just a little over two years losing my Mother who never stopped being a mother has been almost more than I have been able to handle in my life.

So those of you reading this I am sure are thinking wow she is just feeling sorry for herself and you are wrong I am no longer at the point of feeling sorry for myself but at a point where one wonders if things will ever be such that I can feel like I am doing the right thing for not only myself but my boys also. So think or say what you want because that is why this is my "ranting and Ravings" blog. Yeah! You go Girl.